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Searching for real sense

My current position (see the previous two posts) makes it painfully clear that I really need a plan for the future. I'm trying to get to a psychologist here (which is a whole story on it's own), but I'm pretty sure the whole pile of "ungh" pulled me into a depression and it's not fun. Don't worry, I'm fine, I'm just not fine for a while. I'm on the way to getting better.
It's the land of possibilities! And exciting things! And beauty! So time to make use of that.

Studying is pretty much free here. I actually maybe even can get a grant from the government to study here. I really like learning new things. For all the possible jobs I could think of, it would come in handy if I did some sort of extra education. So why the hell not, I'm definitely going back to school! Yay! This being the country where the eternal or older student still is a thing, I won't even be that weird old person, so I might even end up making friends.

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Searching for sense

My new job sucks. It's been weird and confusing and messy from the start, but it's not really gotten any better. This was going to be a post about my current mental state and the future, but I just need to get this out of my system...

I saw an advert for a job as field assistant at a fieldstation an hour outside of Umeå called Svartberget. It looked like fun, but it had massive overlap time-wise with my previous job as a field assistant and our planned holiday. Still, I thought I'd give it a go and I was invited for an interview somewhere mid-May. I explained the situation and actually they seemed really happy with it, because even though I only could start in August, I could actually also work in autumn and they were looking for some more non-students that could work longer. So I got hired from August till a later to be specified month this year. Yay! Right?

A few weeks went past and in the meantime, I got two mails saying I didn't get the job I applied to, I got a 'contract' stating I was starting the 8th of June, a mail stating I would start the 1st of July and slowly alarm bells starting ringing. All of these things were easily cleared up, but the fact that I needed to clear things up all the time was pretty annoying. In the end we agreed I would start on a Monday, since that was easier, so I'd start the 6th of August. Right. Right?

Then came the last week of July... I got a mail stating I would start the 1st of August.  I cleared that up (by now I planned to go to a festival, Urkult, so I couldn't even start the 1st even if I wanted to). I got ANOTHER mail stating I would start the 1st, from another person. Sigh, NO!
Then I got a mail the Sunday before I would start, asking if I could call. Sure, no problem. So I called and got told... they actually didn't really have anything for me to do, so I could stay at home on Monday and they would figure it out. Of course they would pay me. Ehm, sorry, what?!

So I stayed at home and got a call I could start on Tuesday as a lab assistant in Umeå. Something totally different, but a job is a job, and this was closer, so why not? Oh and by the way, by now we bought a car so I could travel to Svartberget, which I wouldn't be using now...
The lab-job really is one of the most boring, tedious jobs ever... It's sorting tiny roots of trees from soil samples (basically shovels of dirt). It's boring, it takes hours of standing/sitting in a painful position and it's actually pretty hard. Luckily at the time of writing this I've acquired some other tasks too, that are also boring, but at least it's a change of scenery a few times a day. So by now I can manage, with the help of audiobooks and podcasts, but it's still far from fun.

So I mailed and asked my boss if there was a plan for me for the rest of the year. Well, yes there was.
Eh, so what's said plan? Well... Do we really need to talk about that?
Eh, it would be nice to know at least something?

And that's where I am now. Bored, confused and annoyed. To top it all off, I got multiple offers for fun-sounding fieldwork at the department I was working for last summer that I now can't take because I'm stuck in the lab. So I'm clearly NOT doing this again. Depending on who you believe I'll be working until October or December and then I'm getting the hell out of here. At least it pays the bills and it looks good on my resume, right?


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I'm a millipede-chameleon-hybrid. Also, I'm an idiot. When your brain goes in loops, it's easy to drift into a (negative) spiral. I know that, still did it though. A history first, explanation later. Warning, this is how my brain works, so the story doesn’t really make sense =P

Moving here my big goal was to find out what I wanted with my (new) life. Nothing was possible, so everything was possible. I had no clue about nature or it’s policy in Sweden, so my old job and newfound passion was impossible. On the other hand, universities are free, so suddenly I could study anything I wanted! Combine that with needing to talk about my thoughts with friends to be able to find out what I want and not really having anybody to talk to here (skype just doesn’t replace drinking wine on the balcony), cue crisis.

Because at some point it became clear that the lack of friends here was the biggest hurdle behind not getting my thoughts straight, my loneliness became my biggest problem and I sort of forgot about finding a (new) goal in life. When I ran out of energy to really hang out with people, also making friends slowly drifted to the background and I was just trying to get on with my life. Of course, meanwhile my subconsious didn’t forget about both issues!

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Jul. 25th, 2018

Currently, I'm listening to the first Blade Runner soundtrack on the way back home from Göteborg trying very hard not to cry too openly. What a roller coaster... It was one of the most intense things I've ever done. Because the story was so, so sad, the game was very intense, but also because the themes of the game are so deeply relate-able to the events happening currently in the world. Xenophobia leading to genocide, privilege leading to all kinds of violence and suppression, not being able to be who you are, etc. It will take a long while to process all of it.

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Sofia Roerdink-Lindberg; Rötmånad


Sofia was staring at the campfire they’d built a little bit away from the road. It was nice to spend a night sleeping under the stars again. Just a quiet night. She’s intensely grateful and honoured that Lappmarks-Gaisa invited her to travel along for a while, but it’s a hectic life. Since they left Galtstrand they’ve visited a few more towns; it feels a bit like a haze. The people are just eating up what Lappmarks-Gaisa was telling them, so different and yet so similar from when they first met in Galtstrand. 

Then again, in all her travels up north, Sofia had nowhere seen a place like Galtstrand. So many scared people, so scared they even forgot what they were scared about, forgot what they lost in the process. She wonders how many of them lived out the week. How many will actually rise up and do the right thing. For the sake of all of them, she hopes it’ll be enough. Maybe, one day, she’ll have enough money to send a telegram and see if their words had any effect.

It’s a marvel to see Lappmarks-Gaisa’s work and hear her talk night after night. They can never stay long, but that suits her well, since Sofia is also eager to get home. Home… She wonders if it’ll work this well in her home-town Winterswijk as much as it did in the last place they were. She can’t wait to see her big little brother again. Tell him all her stories and how things will be better. Because even though she lost hope for a while, she now knows things can be better. 

An unexpected sound in the forest makes her grab the key around her neck. After a while she lets out her breath and smiles apologetically. Ever since she learned its story, her story, she’s been on edge. Maybe the key will keep her unseen by Death, but having stared them in the face… She can still feel the marks on her face where… So cold it burned. It’s a marvel it didn’t leave a scar. A shiver runs up her spine. For now the key seems to keep doing its work, even though it can’t keep her safe from herself, from what she sees every time she closes her eyes.
Whatever drove her grandmother to make a pact with Death and sell out her whole bloodline, she’ll probably never know. By now, Sofia has come to terms with the fact that she’ll have to break her engagement. Better to not love, not have children. Better to stop this all and keep Hendrik from having the same horrible faith as her first husband. Whatever Rakel and Eskil said by the fire that night, it made her realize that knowing changes nothing. Maybe only for the better.

Having no ties will make her work easier, fueling the uprising in the factories back home. Maybe she can even start travelling herself. And maybe one day she’ll find a solution for this pact. But if she doesn’t she’ll go to Death kicking and screaming and make them regret this deal a whole lot more than it regrets her. Her soul is hers and hers alone. And she is no longer afraid.

The newly arisen "fackförening"


Now what?, or: on good things

Seems I’ve entered a manic phase: high highs and low lows. I’m doing ‘fine’ most days, but when I’m happy, I soar and when I’m sad, I crash. I had this for a while in Norway too and there it passed, so I hope it’ll pass again soon here. It’s a very tiresome way to live! Since the last post was all about the crashing, let's write a bit about the soaring.

The last weeks have been all about getting some speed with Den Gröna Fenixen, finally getting the last things settled in the house, entertaining our guests and ourselves with touristy things, holidays and (huzzah) balfolk! Oh and I got myself a small job, with two more potential summer jobs on the way. Busy times! I’m not sure I’m ready to start normal life again just yet, but that makes a lot of little temporary jobs nice. If I can’t take it yet, I can always say no.

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The whole story is under the cut. As I already posted on Facebook:

CW: Long, personal and emotional story. I don’t mind if you don’t read it, but I would like it if you would. I’m not sharing this with everybody, not because I don’t want the word out, but because I trust you and care about having you in my life and therefor you are the people that I really want to share this with.

I knew moving to Sweden wouldn’t be easy. I was stressed from my job and I remembered my time in Norway well enough to know that being alone sucks. Today, I’m already doing a lot better, but the bad times are still there. That’s ok. But sometimes it turns me into a very insecure, crying person (not sure if I should call it panic/anxiety attacks or not, and I’m not sure if I care about what it’s called anyway). This can be a thing, both for me as for the people around me. But I know how it happens, why and how to ‘stop’ it, so I thought I should share. Maybe because one day you’ll witness it, or maybe because you’re the same and we both could benefit from knowing we’re not alone.

Since Facebook is really bad at finding things back, I wrote it here. I hope you find the time to read it (again, not reading it is ok too. Asking about it over coffee is ok too). Any response or questions are ok, from right away to never at all and all that’s in between. Sometimes I might not want to talk about it. I hope that’s ok too.


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Head in the clouds

My life... is at times so crazy that I wonder why I didn't just settle for the partner, pet, full-time job thing. But then I think for two seconds and I remember, this is more crazy, stress-y and hectic, but such a life would drive me nuts! This adventure and not knowing what's coming is actually the thing that keeps me going. So I just ride the waves and hope I don't drown!

Coming out of the bunker hit me hard, a lot harder than I expected. Of course I mainly made friends that live at least 12h travel away from me, so I was alone up in the snow again. Luckily there is internet, the big purple box of happy tears and plans for the future. I'm still not completely 'here' again though, the idea of taking a train to Gothenburg is burning in my brain. Luckily that will happen for sure in July, when I'm playing Androids, so I just need to decide how long I'll be down there (no, I cannot stay a month and maybe also visit Oslo, brain, that's too much).

I started tabletopping again! First time in years and it's so much fun. We're a little group of four and it worked so well. And in the car back, I got talking and actually we planted a little seed to start a company with me and another girl in some sort of dance/roleplay coaching thing (she's a social worker). Who knows what will grow out of it.
One thing that did grow out of it was (work-titel, open for better suggestions!) "Cumulus Creations"; the little hobby-project to keep me busy seems to finally crystallize after I'd sort of given up. I live close to two big second hand stores and I notice that even though it's a lot bigger here, second hand still has this inferior ring to it. So I decided to do something about it and give my muse (semi-)free reign and start upcycling and selling the results. Let's see where it gets me. All in all, it will be about €200 investment, so it's not the end of the world if it all fails miserably. And it will keep me busy with stuff for weeks to come. So now I'm off to buy anything that will fit in my bag and see what comes out at the other end =D


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I'm sitting in the train back up north (Swedish trains are THE THING!) feeling sore, tired, grateful, fulfilled and with massive heart-ache. I've just spend six days switching between a crazy bunker and the crew house that was maybe even more crazy. At times it sucked big time, at times I could hardly walk anymore, at times I cried my eyes out. I didn't believe in it anymore somewhere halfway through, but oh man, the people, THE PEOPLE! I have no regrets and it was an amazing experience. In the end, the good massively outnumbers the bad.

I got myself into this with a bold e-mail asking if I could help out. The setting didn't appeal to me that much, but it looked like something I would love to be a part of and with only seven hours of travel-time, it was relatively close by. I'm still a bit surprised, but infinitely thankful that I did and that they actually wanted to have me. No better way to get to know the larp-culture here and make some friends, than throw yourself into a pressure cooker filled with stress, fatigue and a lot of crazy people, right? Boy, was I right!
I only knew one person in the event and I briefly met some people at Knutpunkt and that was about it. It was terrifying and on the trip down, I seriously considered if I had made the right choice. I don't handle strangers very well when I'm tired and I was very sure to get tired.

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All the things! Traveltimes

Holy moly, it's so weird that three weeks of travel feel like months and a week sick on the couch feels like two days. I've completely lost track of time and it won't get better with this Easter weekend (meaning that Tim's home) and the epic larp madness plan of Lotka Volterra coming up. So what happened? Well...


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