Gender; or: on being me

Lately there have been a lot of people telling their gender story on my Facebook timeline and in real life, so I thought, high time I add mine.
Long story short, I don't care what my gender is, I'm me. Probably gender-fluid or a-binary would be the best label if you want one, but I don't want one. I'm fine with all pronouns.

 Before I hit puberty, without knowing it at the time, I was a very gender-fluid child. I played with cars, lego, barbies and make-up. I climbed trees, explored, stole duck-eggs. I've never been a very girly-girl, that's for sure. My granddad often called me 'boy' in a loving manner and I never thought twice about it, until my mother pointed it out to me much later. Strangers visiting my parents often thought they had two children instead of just me, when they saw the toys in the living room. I was called a boy more often than a girl by strangers and though it bugged me because often they did it in a bullying way, the content of the bullying never bothered me. I wanted a boy haircut but opted out when I noticed how many of my classmates laughed at me for the idea. So I found my way in between. 

Puberty came and all the doubt about me being a girl disappeared. But still, I never was a girly-girl, with my baggy jeans and my wanderlust. On the other hand, I also never felt that my body doesn't fit. It's mine and I'm fine with it. I could to without having my periods, but that's more out of convenience than out of it not being right. I have a female body and that's mine. I like dresses and pretty things, even thought my pretty is maybe not the standard. But I also like baggy sweaters and sturdy shoes. I like following in dancing and I like playing very female larp characters. But I also like forests and mud.
During my time in England I adopted the name Dave (I didn't come up with it, it started as a joke and stuck). Only later when people laughed at it, I realized that was a weird thing to do for a nickname. 

I never thought much about it until recent years. Being female never felt wrong (still doesn't) although girly-girl is really not my style. I had already cut my hear shorter, had about the same amount of male as female clothing in my wardrobe and really never found that odd.
I realize now that I've had a very privileged position my entire life, with both a family and a partner that accepted me having the best of all genders, as I think of it. I think that's why I never felt wrong or fake, this has been the way I am as long as I can remember and the people that mattered never thought that weird. So why would I?

Recently I've been playing with the whole stereotypes a bit more, to see if I could put a label on me. Just to make talking about it easier. But I found non of the labels stick. One day I'm wearing a skirt and a vest, the next day mascara and men-shoes, or just a pretty dress and my hair done well, or jeans and a baggy sweater. I'm me-gendered.


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